Monday, March 22, 2010

Barrack Obama To Push For New Domestic Agenda: March Madness Correction Bill

By DaysWithDave
Published: March 22, 2010


Riding high after he scored his historic win with the House passage of the Senate Health Care Reform bill, HR 4872, the Reconciliation Act of 2010, Obama quickly launched into his next domestic priority with the March Madness Correction Bill.

The President’s new priority is aimed at helping the millions of Americans that are still employed participating in office pools for the 2010 NCAA Men’s Basketball Championship Tournament, as well as the unemployed betting on college games through a bookie or online gambling.

“Millions of Americans have participated this year in this annual pastime of filling out a sixty-four slot bracket to predict who will win the NCAA men’s basketball championship,” Obama said to reporters after commenting on the House’s courage in moving the cause of universal health care coverage forward.

“We promised the country change,” the President went on and added, “and we delivered that change today. Now it’s time to move on to other issues the American people are deeply concerned about, as am I.”

President Obama then shocked the press pool by announcing that his next congressional priority will be to have Congress overturn some of the results of the first 4 days of the 2010 to help ease many Americans’ psyche’s as well as give them a fresh start at winning their office pools.

Obama went into campaign mode and offered, “I know many Americans are hurting right now. I’m hurting. I picked both Kansas and Villanova to be in the Final Four in my bracket. I know that many of you also picked these two teams to make it to the Final Four. I know the majority of all office pool participants picked the Jayhawks to win it all. That’s why I’m calling on Congress to pass legislation overturning the results of the games affecting most of America.”

Adding to the urgency of his call the President demanded that Congress pass this legislation by the time he returns from Asia as, “the Sweet Sixteen starts this Thursday and the American People are counting on us to get this done.”

President Obama appears to have close to a plurality of support in the House but is yet again going to have to deal with the Democrat’s Pro-Life wing led by their figurehead, Bart Stupak of Michigan.

Representative Stupak said in a press conference, “Although I agree with President Obama that the majority of the American people are suffering with the shocking losses by several top seeds in this year’s March Madness office pools, I can’t get behind this bill without the assurance that no current participant in the tournament be allowed to have or order an abortion.”

Republicans have already come out in opposition to Obama’s latest agenda. Minority Leader John Boehner was the first to speak up saying, “The American people are against this socialization of American Collegiate sports. If Democrats insist on altering the office pool brackets of proud Americans they will find themselves out of jobs come November.”

DaysWithDave is a contributing writer to The Internets.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Scott Brown To File Amendment To Divert Stimulus Funds

By DaysWithDave
Published: March 11, 2010


US Senator Scott Brown, the latest entrant to the 100 member body and newly minted “superstar” of the Republican Party plans to file an amendment tomorrow to redirect unspent stimulus money to upgrade GMC trucks for American workers.
The amendment titled, “Immediate Truck Relief for America’s Workers,” would provide tax credits for millions of American workers who drive GMC trucks to upgrade their vehicles.

The tax credit will allow truck drivers to acquire new truck bed tool boxes, snow tires, truck nuts, and custom details to help the American worker increase their truck based business.

“The best way to revive our economy is to spur job creation by allowing workers who drive trucks to save money on their truck costs. Whether they drive green GMC trucks, or blue GMC trucks, or black GMC trucks, or whatever color trucks. This bill will allow those truck drivers to hire new workers to work out of those trucks,” Brown said.

When asked if this bill could be used to upgrade the green GMC truck he rode to victory in his historic upset election win Brown responded, “I drive a truck! That truck is owned by the people of Massachusetts! What they decide to do with it is there decision and not Washington’s or the media!”

Former Republican Senator of Tennessee and failed Presidential candidate, Fred Thompson is expected to give an enthusiastic endorsement of Brown’s amendment shortly.

DaysWithDave is a contributing writer to The Internets.

Friday, March 5, 2010

BREAKING: Sarah Palin to leave Fox News

By DaysWithDave
Published: March 5, 2010


Sarah Palin, the former Governor of Alaska and failed candidate for Vice President of the United States in the 2008 election has announced that she is now leaving her job as Fox News contributor to concentrate on comedy.

Attending Jay Leno’s return to the Tonight Show, she was given a chance to try her hand at stand-up on comedy’s biggest stage. Most comedians have to spend years working their way up the ladder, paying their dues to get this spot and many do not make it. Some that do make it there bomb.

Not so for America’s Next Top Comedian. The former Governor nailed her routine as the audience reaction and laugh track showed. Some media pundits noted her ease in the new gig and her lack of visible notes on her hand aside from the opening gag.

Her comedy routine has catapulted her back into the spotlight with every cable news channel commenting on her performance (with mostly glowing reviews) and the Governor now feels that this is the best way for her to help America and Alaska.

Palin’s comedy routine gained her an invitation to perform at Zanies Comedy Club, which she has hinted at recently is her dream job.

Her latest job change was announced via memo with Palin’s spokeswoman Mehgan Stapleton on hand to answer questions.

Asked why Palin was quitting yet another job, Stapleton corrected the questioner by noting that, “Sarah Palin has always done what is right for the American people and the people of Alaska. She feels that if she were to continue as a Fox News contributor she would be handicapped by the liberal media in her attempt to help the American people.”

Stapleton added that, “Governor Palin could better help the lower 48 in her new role as a comedian. If they’re able to laugh, they’re able to forget about paying such high taxes and giving up their second amendment rights.”

DaysWithDave is a contributing writer to The Internets.

Tuesday, March 2, 2010

Bunning To Head To Cooperstown To Halt Induction Of 2010 Hall Of Fame Class

By DaysWithDave
Published: March 2, 2010


After coming to terms with ending his one man filibuster against the extension of unemployment benefits and COBRA coverage, Senator Jim Bunning is turning his eye to an issue close to home with him: The 2010 induction class to the Baseball Hall Of Fame.

The outgoing Senator from Kentucky announced that he would object to the induction of the class of 2010 which includes “The Hawk” Andre Dawson, as well as legendary manager, Whitey Herzog.

Asked why he was turning his attention away from Washington and towards Cooperstown, NY, Bunning replied, “Look, the American people today have to budget and figure out how they’re going to pay for things. As far as I have seen, Major League Baseball has not announced how they intend to pay for the new plaques that are going up in the Hall. I will not support them just adding to their debt.”

When it was pointed out to Senator Bunning that his election in 1996 by the Veterans Committee did not contain a plan to pay for his plaque he angrily retorted, “Did Bruce Froemming ever throw a no hitter? No! Did Joe Brinkman throw a perfect game in the World Series? No!”

When notified of Senator Bunning’s new crusade to keep him out of the Hall of Fame, Andre Dawson said it was disappointing and wondered, “Why doesn’t Jim want to copulate me?”

DaysWithDave is a contributing writer to The Internets.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

GOP Unanimous In Their Criticism Following Health Care Summit

By DaysWithDave
Published: February 25, 2010


Following the unprecedented Health Care Reform summit today involving members of both parties of the House and Senate and the White House and its administration, Republicans were in lock step in their criticisms of the event.

Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell (R) was the first to speak in the Republican response and immediately pounced on a point he made earlier during the summit that, “Obama got to speak for 438 minutes while we only got to speak for 52 minutes. As Dr. Coburn and Dr. Barrasso pointed out as doctors, one needs to listen when it comes to health care. This was just another photo op that the Democrat president seems to prefer over actual bipartisanship.”

House Minority Leader John Boehner was the next to speak in the GOP response and reiterated complaints that he and other Republicans brought up earlier in the day. He recalled the complaint that Democrats are not listening to the party that was voted out of power. “I’ve gone around to my constituency and beyond and everyone is telling me the same thing,” Boehner said, “We don’t want this bill that was watered down to mean nothing as far as actual reform is concerned. They want us to scrap this bill and start from scratch so that the status quo is kept in place. The current bill is as popular as a sardine sundae, heh, heh.”

Many of the GOP leadership as well as other big named Republicans got a chance to speak. One of those names was Arizona Senator Jon Kyl. Kyl seemed to show the most anger when he stated that, “This was a total waste. This was just another attempt to have the Democrat party say to us, ‘Vote for out plan or shut up.' This wasn’t a bipartisanship event; it was a high profile event to play politics. The American people deserve better than this.”

Many of the remaining speakers on the GOP side cited Obama and the Democrat party’s lack of tax cuts in their plan.

Mike Enzi (R) of Wyoming hammered the point home when he asked, “How are people going to pay for this bloated, government controlled health plan when they’re paying higher taxes to pay for illegal immigrants’ free health care and their abortions?”

The Democrats as well as the White House have not yet responded as of this filing.

DaysWithDave is a contributing writer to The Internets.

House Minority Leader Complains That White House Health Care Summit Is Too Short

By DaysWithDave
Published: February 25, 2010


Ahead of today’s Health Care summit with the white house, House Minority Leader, John Boehner (R) has a new complaint – that the summit to resolve the Health Care Reform gridlock is too short.

Appearing on Fox News yesterday the Republican leader said, “The fact of the matter is, this White House can’t expect two years of trying to take over one-sixth of our economy to be wrapped up in a few hours. I’ve attended brunches that were longer than that.”

Asked about Boehner’s latest criticism at today’s daily press briefing, White House spokesperson Robert Gibbs bitingly replied, “I’m sure that if we were notified earlier we could have found Goldilocks a meeting length that wasn’t too long, wasn’t too short, but just right.”

The summit begins today at 9a.m, (EST)

DaysWithDave is a contributing writer to The Internets.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010

Orly Taitz To Sue The Harlem Globetrotters In Attempt To Have Washington Generals Declared Winners

By DaysWithDave
Published: February 23, 2010


Orly Taitz is back in the news with her latest lawsuit. This time she is filing a lawsuit against the Harlem Globetrotters with the intent of nullifying their victories and declaring the Washington Generals the winners of every game.

Filing her case in the United States 2nd District Court in the case of Louis “Red” Klotz v. Harlem Globetrotters, Orly hopes to prove that the basketball team billed from Harlem, NY is ineligible to be victorious in any of their games.

The main contention of Orly Taitz’s latest court case hedges on several arguments against the Globetrotters with all asserting the team’s victories to be fraudulent.

One argument she is presenting is the case of Curly Neal consistently throwing a bucket of water in the referee’s face. This act should have disqualified his team and the fact that it wasn’t is proof of collusion between the Harlem Globetrotters and the referees, and as such the Generals should have their record altered to reflect the true results.

The most popular argument among the “Globers” that Orly leads is the contention that several Harlem Globetrotters played under false names and as such, their wins should be overturned. Along with Curly Neal mentioned above, Taitz’s suit singles out Meadowlark Lemon as the main defendant based on the number of “false victories” achieved while he was leading the team.

Orly Taitz’s case is a long shot but she has a die hard following rooting for her and that includes many beyond the Washington Generals and their fans.

DaysWithDave is a contributing writer to The Internets.

President Obama To Address Joint Session Of Congress In Controversial Speech. Will Encourage Members of Congress To Stay In School And Work Hard.

By DaysWithDave
Published: September 8, 2009


Washington D.C. – In a controversial move President Barack Obama is going to address a joint session of Congress to welcome them back from their summer vacation. The speech has been planned for some time to give Congress a boost and encourage them to stay in school and reach their potential but some conservative critics have attacked the President’s motives for such an unprecedented speech.

Jim Greer, Chair of the Florida GOP has been one of the most vociferous critics of the President’s planned address.

“I believe it’s an unconstitutional waste of tax payer’s money to intrude on Congress to try and force his Socialist views on our elected representatives,” said Greer.

Critics have zeroed in on Obama’s suggested Socialist mandate that was initially proposed to be delivered to both houses of Congress to encourage them to write suggestions on how Obama could best achieve his goal to make America a Socialist country in the mold of France-Russia. To ease some of the concerns about Obama’s speech his administration have changed the suggested mandate to now ask members of Congress to write letters to themselves about their own goals.

Excerpts of President Obama’s address to the joint session of Congress have been released and they appear to reflect the changes brought about by the latest uproar over an Obama controversy.

“No one’s born being good at things, you become good at things through hard work. It’s the same with legislating. You might have to read a bill a few times before you understand it, or propose a few amendments before it’s good enough to send to the floor”

…………..

“Don’t be afraid to ask questions. Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Your government and constituents are here to help you. Help you make the right decisions. Both myself and my wife, Michelle, learned early on the value of education and how to strive for a higher goal. If you stay in school and try hard you too can rise up and be President some day like I was able to do.”


DaysWithDave is a contributing writer to The Internets.

Michelle Bachman To Sue U.S. Government Over Son’s Deployment To Americacorps

By DaysWithDave
Published: August 22, 2009


St. Paul – Michele Bachmann, the loquacious representative from Minnesota’s 6th District, has initiated a lawsuit against the United States government on behalf of her son to block his deployment to Teach For America, a branch of Americorps, a program she is at odds with, as she has been in the past.

As recently as April of 2009, the Representative took to the House floor to denounce the Americorps program, signed into law by President Clinton, as possible “re-education camps for young people.”

“The real concern is that there are provisions for what I would call re-education camps for young people, where young people have to go and get trained in a philosophy that the government puts forward and then they have to go to work in some of these politically-correct forums. As a parent, I would have a very, very difficult time seeing my children do this,” implored Bachmann on the House floor.

Given her opposition to the government program, her son’s enlistment is a major embarrassment for the suddenly high-profile member of Congress. As such, she has sought out ways to prevent her son from serving in the program and has found solace in the marginalized “birther movement.”

Inspired by the unsuccessful Cook v. Obama case filed by Orly Taitz on behalf of Major Stefan F. Cook of the United States Army Reserve, Bachmann has sued on grounds that Obama is not eligible to serve as President based on his Kenyan birth and that her son could not follow him as Commander in Chief, as he would possibly be in violation of international laws for serving an ineligible commander.

Bachmann’s lawyers note that Cook v. Obama only failed because the plaintiff was a volunteer for the Army Reserve and was free to break his commitment. Bachman’s son registered for the program and is not considered a volunteer.

The latest developments in this story have led critics to question whether Bachmann’s son joined out of a devotion to service or to help the “birther movement” get yet another case before a court. Others have lauded the child for branching out from his conservative mother.

The court has taken the case under advisement and will release a status sometime in October.

DaysWithDave is a contributing writer to The Internets.

Decision To Auction Hitler Paintings Sparks Debate In Germany

By DaysWithDave
Published: August 21, 2009


Berlin - A German based auction house has given the green light to auction off three water color paintings that were painted by Adolf Hitler during his struggling artist years spent in Vienna with the paintings to go on the block next month.

The landscape portraits that were described as “neutral” by Kerstin Weidler of Weidler’s Auction House have sparked an uproar among the German population and their government representatives that are sensitive to the country’s collective shame over Hitler’s reign.

The Left Party’s leader, Lothar Bisky lambasted the coming auction and vowed that his party would introduce legislation to the Budestag that would ban all future auctions of Hitler related items for profit. “This is a disgrace to the German people who have clearly voiced their opposition to any mention of Hitler other than to scorn him,” said Bisky.

Chancellor Angela Merkel, locked in a tough reelection battle against Frank-Walter Steinmeier and independent candidate Horst Schlaemmer, weighed in on the latest controversy to beset her country to acknowledge, “Germany’s deep regret and sorrow over the upcoming auction.”

“Germany acknowledges the great shame of our history that is Hitler and the Third Reich. I bow to the survivors of the Holocaust as well as to those that did not make it and I apologize for this most grievous assault on the Jewish people that this auction represents,” the Chancellor added.

Chancellor Merkel hinted that Germany would construct a new memorial to atone for the sins of the Weidler auction.

DaysWithDave is a contributing writer to The Internets.

Palin Attacks Construction Worker Over Comments About Daughter

By DaysWithDave
Published: June 25, 2009


Boston – Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin is back in the news a week after taking on David Letterman after his joke involving her daughter, and barely a day after going after a liberal activist blogger for a photo shopped picture of her special needs son to defend yet another one of her children: her daughter Bristol.

The latest uproar stems from a conversation between two construction workers at a downtown Boston construction site in which one of the laborers, Charles Stuart, purportedly referred to Bristol Palin as, “a chub.”

“Mr. Stuart has completely crossed the line here,” Palin spokeswoman Meghan Stapelton said in a statement released to the media. “The mere idea that someone would comment on the baby fat of an unwed teen mother is beyond the pale. This once again illustrates the complete lack of decency in our society and the rampant sexism that unwed teenaged mothers face every day.”

Asked if Stuart’s employer, Modern Continental, should fire him over his comments Stapleton responded, “I think that Modern Continental should ask themselves if this is the kind of face they want to have representing their company. Crude comments about an unwed teen mother have no place on a construction site.”

While ruling out a call for Stuart’s termination Stapleton added, “I believe that Mr. Stuart and Modern Continental need to apologize; apologize to the Governor and her daughter, and apologize to all unwed teen mothers everywhere in this great nation of ours.”

The controversy has sprouted a grass-roots movement to have Stuart fired with as many as 7 protesters gathered outside the Congress Street construction site today with signs calling for Charles Stuart’s termination.

A protester who would only give her first name, Harriet, shared her thoughts on the latest firestorm. “We are here because we are outraged, and we’re not going to take it anymore! We have been treated as second class citizens and now not even our daughters are safe! Modern needs to fire him now!”

When asked whether an apology from Stuart would quell the outrage Harriet responded, “To hell with him. Charles Stuart should go jump off a bridge!”

Through a family spokesman Charles Stuart apologized for any offense that had been taken and assured the Governor that despite her daughter’s “chunkiness”, he’d, “still hit it.”

DaysWithDave is a contributing writer to The Internets.